Gee, it's been awhile...

A new friend sent me the link to her blog. It was funny and irreverent and I really enjoyed reading it. Then I remembered that a while back I too liked blogging and should probably keep doing it. My last post was in March - that would be almost 7 months ago. Jeez.

This is not unusual for me. I get really excited about something and then I put expectations upon myself to keep doing it and lo and behold it has become a chore. Yet another thing on my To Do list like, journaling and having more sex with my husband and writing gratitude lists. All of which really enhance my life by the way, but once they become a "should" or a "must" I get resentful and childish. My inner teenager screams, "You can't make me!" and I quit or get distracted by some other pretty, shiny object of my attention.

The difference now is that I don't beat myself up for it anymore. The old me would start that hateful inner dialog that sounds something like "You suck at this, why are you even bothering to try new things? You never finish anything you start" blah blah blah... I know now, that this is total crap. And no one is judging me, but me. Isn't it okay to journal only when I need guidance or to sort out my feelings. To have sex with my husband 3 or 4 times a week and not at all the next week? To blog only when I feel like I have something to say? The answer is YES!

I am learning that in every life situation there are two ways to feel about it. To feel bad about it or to feel good about it. It is that simple. Both are available to me, but only one makes my life better and makes me feel good about me and who I am. For example, I have an incredibly long commute everyday - 38 miles each way through L.A. freeways, canyons and surface streets. It takes roughly 55 to 90mins. depending on any number of things. My options are to hate my commute and dread getting in the car. Cursing the other drivers for their stupidity and carelessness. Getting myself exhausted, angry and stressed by the time I arrive at work or by the time I get home to greet my family after a long day. OR To embrace my commute as the only time I have to be by myself the entire day. To listen to the music of my choosing without anyone's input as loud or as softly as I'd like. To get completely lost in a delicious audio book. To pop on my bluetooth and have a looong chat with a dear friend without my kids interrupting me 5 times to ask me where this toy or that video game is. Obviously given these two options the correct choice in attitude seems like a no-brainer. But the simple fact is that it takes work. It takes practice to notice how I'm feeling about something and decide to feel better and take the steps necessary to do so. It is a decision to feel good or bad. Like so many other things in life it is simple, but not easy. But there, my friends, is the truth of it. My happiness is completely and totally up to me alone. And yours is up to you.

Hi Reader,
I'm reading the memoir "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert for the second time, and I love it so much more this time around. I read it a few years back and really loved it then too, but I feel like I've become much more spiritually focused than I was back then, so the stories she tells touch me in a way I wasn't capable of feeling before.

As I was listening to the audio book, going through gorgeous Laurel Canyon on my way to work this morning, she was talking about a precocious little 8 year-old girl nicknamed "Tutti". Tutti was the daughter of a beautiful healer named Wayan whom the author had befriended in Bali. Tutti and her mother and her two adopted sisters lived in a tiny shopfront where Wayan made potions, and spells, and lunch for the local residents and tourists. Wayan was divorced (not common in Bali) and had no real home to speak of. Tutti who was outgoing and always smiling would constantly draw pictures of houses that she would someday live in.

One day Liz, the author, saw Tutti carrying around a small square of blue tile, she would close her eyes and meditate holding the tile, she would scoot the tile around on the floor and then sit upon the small tile grinning, off in her own little world. When Liz asked Wayan what the little girl was doing she replied something to the effect of 'Tutti is imagining her new house and that one day her whole floor would be made up of these beautiful little tiles'.

Not long after this, Wayan received a notice that her lease would be up soon and they were going to raise her rent. This would mean she would have to move again, and she couldn't afford to. Also, this meant her customers wouldn't be able to find her and her business would suffer even more than it had since the terrorist bombing 2 years earlier.

This touched Liz deeply and she was instantly inspired to go to the local Internet cafe and draft an email to her friends and family back home. She asked that instead of gifts for her approaching birthday, they make a donation to Wayan and her family's "new house fund". She explained to them in her lengthy email Wayan's whole story, about her divorce and the adopted children and that this woman had become like family to Liz. Within 7 days her family, friends, and friends of friends, people she'd never met had sent $18,000. And Tutti got her new home.

Liz recognized that Tutti had manifested all of this. Her smiling happy face so intently focused on every aspect of her beautiful house, yet still appreciative of her current situation. Her drawings of houses, her square piece of tile she loved so dearly, her smiling meditation, that is what created this. Nothing else.

As I was listening to this I suddenly wept with joy as I zoomed through Laurel Canyon so thrilled with the evidence of this Universal love and cooperation as evidenced by this little Balinese girl and the funny American on her spiritual journey.

Wayan was so struck by this news she was silent at first, and then said, "Liz, what if you had never come here? What would I have done?" Liz replied, "I was always coming here Wayan, I was never not coming here."

What I want to improve upon in my life and other stuff..

I got this today from Mike Dooley (I get a daily email from his website
www.Tut.com/Notes-from-Universe)

"This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, Vanessa, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams. Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask. Aim high."

I really like this one, so I'm gonna post my favorites from now on. I'm writing this blog for people who already have a basic understanding of what The Law of Attraction is, so if you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sorry. As you can probably tell, I'm no writer, just someone who wants to keep track of the joy that this way of thinking, living, co-creating, if you will, brings to me. It's really for me, I guess.

Certain events in my life before stumbling on this way of thinking paved the way for me to accept The Law of Attraction as the key to the creation of The Universe. Here's one story (at least this is how I remember it, I was only like 5, so bear with me if I'm a bit off in the order of events, Mom):

It happened to my family years before I read "The Secret" or had any intro to how things worked in The Universe. When I was a kid and my dad had read those wacky L. Ron Hubbard books I mentioned before, we were broke. Flat broke. As in, all we had to eat for dinner was a tray of biscuits kind of broke. My father said that in "Dianetics" (or maybe the other wacky book) he learned that to create more money we had to visualize having more money. Well, as a kid of course I loved the idea of "make-believe" so this was no problem for me. It was a bit tough for them, so my mom and dad took index cards and began drawing dollar signs on them and sticking the cards up all over the house, on the bathroom mirror, in the kitchen on the fridge, etc...Of course, as I'm sure you guessed, things started to look up financially, my dad was a framing contractor by trade and soon began working for a man who was a real go-getter, and would have jobs lined up months in advance, something my dad had never been very good at. So he began working 7 days a week for this man for weeks and weeks. Money was pouring in! We had so much money my mom was stacking it in her bedroom dresser drawer until she could get to their savings and loan to deposit it. I'm talking like ten thousand dollars, in 1977.

This of course seemed like a miracle, however, we were not specific enough in our money "manifestation." These many hours took an incredible toll on my parents relationship, my dad's drinking skyrocketed. He felt so guilty about being gone all the time, that he stopped coming home until everyone was asleep. Finally after something like 77 12-hour days straight, my mother told him, "quit or I'm leaving you." So, we packed up and moved to Nevada where apparently the construction business was good, but not marriage threatening.

We were soon struggling financially again as we would for most of my young life. I would draw dollar signs all over everything again and my parents would smile and say "good, thanks" but if their heart wasn't in it, mine wasn't and it didn't create anything. As an adult I can look back and see that what was missing was not the desire for more abundance but #1 the lack of belief that it would last and #2 (and most important) Gratitude for what they received. You see my parents lacked belief in not only a God they could rely on but that appreciation of what they'd received brought more of it. They just didn't know.



That story brings me to what I want in my life now. I've been at my job for 9&1/2 years. I have really loved my job and what I do. It's creative and the hours are (were) great and I get along with everyone I work with. But desires change and what I wanted almost 10 years ago, I'm not sure I still want today. So I've been in the initial stages of toying with the idea of leaving my job. I am not currently in the situation to do this as I have accumulated some fairly substantial debt and I want to pay it off before embarking on a new career. Over the last couple of years, I have made some great strides in over coming some old habits of thought, but surrounding money, I'm still my parents child. I want to dream big when it comes to financial abundance, but I still dream small.



For instance, after we moved to our new home back in August my youngest son started kindergarten and I had more free time. So, I began to manifest working 32 hours a week like the rest of my co-workers instead of the 20 hours a week that I had I really wanted when I originally got this job (the faster to pay my debt off I thought). Sure enough, about a month later we upgraded our systems and were able to do more and so I was needed more hours. It was effortless, really. So, I wonder now...why didn't I just manifest true wealth, the kind of wealth that would get me out of debt, so I could've remained working less or not at all?? DUH!!!



This is what I'm trying to manifest now. The financial freedom to "work" at what I love spending my time on, my kids, my husband, decorating and renovating my new home, and ME for crying out loud! I want to pick my kids up after school instead of the YMCA. I want to be debt free. I want to take Yoga 3 times a week, I want a nicer car, I want to spend my time volunteering at my kids school, I want to spend so much time with my kids, that when I want to go on a date night with my husband I don't feel like I'm choosing him over them with what little precious weekend time we have.



So there we have it, this is my ultimate wish. Financial Abundance, pretty original, huh? Okay, okay, financial abundance, clear, more beautiful skin, and the last 10 pounds gone for good. That's it.



So here's how I'm gonna do it:

Every day beginning last Saturday I began going on "rampages of appreciation." When I wake up in the morning, still in bed, I start rattling off everything I am grateful for. A good night's sleep, my feather pillow, the fact that my 5 year old didn't wake me up, the coffee I'm gonna make, everything! After I get my older son off to school, I go back home, set the little one up with the Wii, then get out my notepad and write out more things I am grateful for. My reliable car, my semi-clean house, my pretty new neighborhood, my kids' fabulous new school, and so on. When that's done, I write the fun part, the list of 'what I want'. A pool in the backyard, a new built in BBQ, a luxury car, to pay off my parent's house, to pay for my sister's wedding, to send my mother-in-law to Spain to see her sister, to go to yoga class when I want to, etc...it changes daily, but it is basically all of the same stuff. I then take these pages and place them in my "Universe Box" a pretty little 8x8x8 box in my bedroom. I kiss the pages, then set them inside and let The Universe come up with how it will happen, because that is where I can get in the way sometimes.

The most important thing I have to do to make all of this happen is to get my thoughts out of my own way. By this I mean, I can't let negative thoughts hang out in my head for too long, on any subject. I don't check my bank account unless I'm in a good head space about money. I don't call my husband during the day unless I have loving feelings toward him. I do not watch the news on TV or online. I do not read newspapers, except for my cute little local paper that happens to report good news. If people at my work or at the check out at Target want to talk about the latest tragedy, I tune them out or go elsewhere. And when I struggle with this I say to myself "It is my dominant intention to see only that which I want to see, and that which makes me happy." You see the trick to The Law of Attraction (if I may call it that) is that everything you've ever desired is already waiting for you, you just have to let it in by feeling really good, in other words, being in alignment with your higher-self. This is what I crave, to be in alignment with my higher self. I'm not saying I never have a negative thought, or curse under my breath at a crazy driver, but I just don't hang out with those thoughts for very long. I search my emotional guidance scale for a thought that feels better and I reach for it. For example: yeah, you cut me off, but I'm not gonna let you ruin my commute or okay, I have a giant new zit but the rest of my face is clear today and I'm great with make up and I can make it dissapear! you get the idea.

I think tomorrow, I'll start writing my 'what I want' list in the present tense, I forgot that Mike Dooley says to pretend you already have what you want. Okay, tomorrow I'll do that. I'll keep you posted here of any successes I have and we'll celebrate together :)



Thanks for reading, if you're out there.

About Me cont...

Okay, I'm back from good report card tacos and the kids are in bed and I want to finish what I began earlier. So at the risk of running out time I'm gonna cut to the nitty gritty. I began having issues with my weight and food earlier in my life and had always been a yo-yoer so, I finally decided to do something about it after my first son was born. I joined a support group and they talked about nothing but God. However, this was a room full of thin women, so I listened to them. They said to "take what I liked and leave the rest", so I 'left' the God stuff for a while without much success. I did finally get a handle on my emotional eating and have kept the weight off for years now, but I guess I did that by finding "God" and loving that part of myself and therefore took better care of me.

I had put myself through what I call God Boot Camp. I went to the library feverishly checking out books by scientists that discussed the Universe or spiritual teachers that appealed to me or that had been recommended to me by people I admired. It ranged from Deepak Chopra to Oxford University Buddhism professors to Wayne Dyer to Gary Zukov to Katherine McTaggart to Khalil Gibran, I still have not read the Bible - just can't, sorry.

During this time, I went to a friend's birthday dinner and was seated next a friendly, well-dressed, stunning and slightly intimidating young woman named "Nicole". She asked me if I'd seen a movie called "The Secret." I said no and she said "you should, it changed my life". "How?", I asked. She said it teaches you how to have every thing you've ever wanted. I was curious but my food arrived so we got distracted. My friend later told me that the woman I was sitting next to was a former, addict and prostitute and was now living a happy life as a successful actress (no, not that kind). "WHAT?" I need to see that movie, she said "I have a copy, you can have it." So, I got it from her the next week.

I watched it and thought it was a bit over produced but I liked the message it gave. That the power of the Universe is inside me not separate from me and that thoughts have energy just like anything else on earth that attract like thoughts to them. And with a little effort you can control what you bring into your experience. There was a woman who spoke on the original version of "The Secret" with such incredible conviction and peace that I was instantly drawn to her, her name was Esther Hicks. I googled her and found her and her husband Jerry Hicks' website www.abraham-hicks.com. I won't tell their story here. If you're interested, they will send you a free 90 minute introductory CD or you can download the free MP3 from their site, you can also check them out on youtube. Their books have been No.1 on the NY Times and Amazon best seller lists. The more I read and saw of Esther & Jerry Hicks and the Teachings of "Abraham" the more I liked what I heard and needed to know more.

I learned that I had been bringing all kinds of things into my life both wanted and unwanted without realizing it, just based on what I was thinking about, worrying about, fantasizing about or obsessing about. We all are, most of us just don't know it. So after a couple years of playing around with this information, I feel like I'm starting to have a little better handle on it. So far I've "manifested" (that's the term they use) a better relationship with my husband, a great job that was a perfect fit for my family at the time, and a new home. My husband has joined the bandwagon as well and we enjoy manifesting new experiences A LOT! Here's an example:

A year or so ago, we decided it may finally be time to entertain the idea of selling our tiny starter home and buying a bigger house close to better schools. I started writing lists of all the features I wanted in a new home. My list went like this:

OUR NEW FAMILY HOME:

~ WE LOVE IT

~ IT HAS GREAT PUBLIC SCHOOLS

~ IT'S IN A SAFE BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBORHOOD

~ IT'S HAS 4 BEDS & 2 BATHS

~ A LIVING ROOM AND A SEPARATE FAMILY ROOM

~ A POOL

~ IT'S A GREAT DEAL

~ IT HAS A FIREPLACE

~ AND NICE NEIGHBORS

~ GOOD SQUARE FOOTAGE, BUT NOT TOO BIG

~ SAFE STREET FOR KIDS TO PLAY

While we were house-hunting my husband and I disagreed on one feature of the house we were looking for. I wanted a pool (I'd never had one and have wanted one my whole life) he absolutely did not (he grew up cleaning one and hated the chore of it). The house we found was a house with these exact features in a neighborhood with a HOA that included free use of the jr. olympic-sized pool down the street.

This was co-creating at it's best, we both got to have what we wanted without the other "losing out". By making the list I set my intention and then I let it go, I didn't obsess (much). I just stuck it to the fridge and forgot about it. I found the list when I packed up my refrigerator magnets and couldn't help laughing. That's when I realized that I can screw around with this powerful information and chalk it up to coincidence or I can dive in and see what I can create in the other areas of my life.

The worst that can happen is that skeptics to this way of thinking will laugh at me, and I will have tried to create a better life for myself and therefore others who spend time with me. I'd love some company as I attempt to Re-create Vanessa.

Next time, a little more on the old me, and why I need re-creating.

Thanks for reading, if you're out there.

About Me March 16, 2010

Hi Reader,

I'm here for the sole purpose of chronicling my adventures in practical application of the Law of Attraction (the universal law that says: the essence of that which is like unto itself is drawn) in my daily life.

I'm 38 years old, a married mother of two deliciously wonderful boys, a best friend, a daughter, a sister and a social butterfly. I work out of the home, and my posts will vary in frequency and relevance, so be patient with me please, I'm new here.

I'll begin by telling you that throughout my life I've craved spirituality, or at least an understanding of the basics of the Universe: why am I here? what do I do now? where do I go when I die? and so on...

My irreverent, loving, unconventional parents were pseudo-hippies who met at a body-painting party. My Mother is a non-practicing Protestant, Dad is an Athiest who back in the 70's used to read "Dianetics" and "T.N.T" by the (in)famous L.Ron Hubbard, He has often changed his mind about what he believes we are doing here, at times even hinting that Aliens came to our planet and impregnated our ape-like ancestors and we are their spawn. So you can see why I would be confused.

At age four, I begged my parents to let me go with my best friend, Tammy, to Sunday school with her because I missed her so much when she was gone. After weeks of begging, they relented. I got on the Sunday school bus in my best blue ruffled dress and waved goodbye to my parents.

We arrived at Faith Baptist Church and I followed Tammy to a brightly colored room with toys and crayons everywhere. The teacher pulled me aside and sat me at a desk away from Tammy and asked me if I liked Rock and Roll music. I said, "Yes! My daddy plays Rock and Roll music all the time!" she then asked, "Do you watch cartoons?" "Of Course! I love cartoons", I replied. She then informed me that my dad and I were going to Hell because "Rock and Roll music and cartoons are the work of the Devil!" I cried all the way home on the school bus for my poor father who was going to Hell and for my mother who would be so sad without us.

My father scooped me up onto his lap and explained to me (sparing no profanity, for the poor man has never been good at controlling his rage) that those "religious fucking assholes don't know shit and don't you EVER listen to them, you listen to ME!" Needless to say, I never went back there or to any church for that matter until a funeral 20 years later. That sunny Sunday morning a seed of hatred for "organized religion" was planted in my four-year-old garden and society tended it well. You could say my pendulum swung too far in the other direction and I wanted nothing to do with any idea of God, spirituality or religion of any kind, until...

I had my son. Having a child shook my foundation hard enough for me begin asking those questions again that I hadn't thought of in so long. What if he asks me about God? I thought. So, slowly my mind began creeping open in ways it hadn't before. 

Little (or big depending on your opinion) things began helping me see there is a gray area about God and that there was so much out there I hadn't experienced.

As time goes on, I hope you'll stick around and get to know me as I reveal a little more about myself, what led to where I am now, and how my life changes based on how well I can change the way I think using the the teachings of Abraham-Hicks and The Secret and Notes from the Universe: TUT. I'm a bit all over the place about this as you can tell, but I've gotta run for now, the 10 year-old got an amazing report card so we're all off for tacos and ice cream to celebrate. Talk to you soon. And remember, thoughts become things so choose wisely.